FROM THE HEART

This is a speech delivered by Edie English, the "exchange mom" of a Rotary Exchange Student in Brazil, at the orientation for outbound students in District 7040 (Ontario, Quebec, New York). 

When Bob French asked me to speak with you today, I had to question his judgment because I was a very reluctant Rotary Exchange Parent.

My name is Edie English and as a parent of a current exchange student. I guess you could say, I¹m a "Rotary Exchange Survivor".

Our daughter, Rhea, left for Brazil in July of 99 and will be returning home this June. My husband and I came here today to talk with the Brazilian out-bounds and their families. But last night Bob asked me to also say a few words to all of you. I hope I can.

I can not speak to you as an expert on the Rotary Exchange process. But I can share with you our experience and emotions as an exchange family.

About one year ago, just as you are now, we sat in this very room preparing for the Exchange Experience. We listened to many excellent Rotary speakers talk about the very important details of Visa applications, insurance, costs, luggage, medical exams, costs, flight arrangements.

Frankly, I am not sure how much I absorbed. As Bob French can confirm, I cried through the whole thing. Fortunately however, someone in our family must have absorbed something, because our daughter Rhea got to Brazil with as few hassles as I now know can be expected.

Your child will get to their destination too.

Just 3 days ago, my husband and I stepped off a plane from a two week visit with our "Brazilian daughter". And as my husband can confirm, I was still crying.

So what happened between the Outbound meeting one year ago and the airport lobby 3 days ago? Well, I cried a lot. But all tears aside, this past year has been a life altering, incredibly rewarding experience for our family.

I think that this is the most important thing that I have learned about the exchange program. Your child is the one that goes away, but your whole family will be forever changed.

And I want to thank Rotary for that. Thank you for changing our lives.

It was a year of adaptations, and at first it was pretty hard, very hard. While Rhea was adapting to her new family, I was adapting to the empty spot at the supper table. While Rhea was adapting to a new school, I was adapting to the sound of silence when I came home from work in the evening.

There is no sugar coating it. It is going to be one of the most difficult parenting tasks you will ever undertake. When they call you and tell you that they are homesick, you MUST be supportive and encouraging. You MUST be. Even though what you really want to say is, "come home!"

But eventually, it does get easier. And I will let you in on a little secret. If you are fortunate enough to host an inbound exchange student, it will get easier much faster!

Yes, it does get easier. While Rhea was learning Portuguese verb tenses, I was learning about my new Spanish son and his family through the e-mail.

While Rhea was learning the "Samba", I was re-learning the joy of having time alone with my husband. There are perks!!

I was told, by a Rotarian, that my daughter would go away as a young girl and return as a WOMAN. And that was about the last thing I wanted to hear!! But the Rotarian was right, our daughter has changed.

In my husband's words, "she has grown to be more like herself". I like looking at it that way, she is becoming herself - the person she was meant to be.

Your child will change, they will grow up. They learn responsibility so quickly... you will begin to wonder if there¹s something in the water they are drinking.

They begin the year by asking your permission and opinion on just about every move they make... By the end of the year... Well.... They just tell you about it later!. (Sometimes it is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission)

Sometimes this "growing-up process" can be difficult. Very difficult. Depending on where your child is going... your child may see and experience things that you will have absolutely no frame of reference in which to help them.

If they are going to a 3rd world country they will probably see poverty the likes of which you have no experience with. They may see social inequality, between "the classes", that you thought only existed in history books.

Have faith in them, they will cope with it. They wouldn¹t be in the Rotary program if they could not. Just be there for them... listen to them. And let them come to their own conclusions.

If you want an incredibly humbling experience... wait about 10 months and then go to visit the country your child is living in. Talk about an immediate lesson in role reversal!!

Two weeks ago Andy and I stepped off the plane in Brazil, unable to speak a word of Portuguese. Frankly, I was afraid, really afraid!

But Rhea, my little girl, who 12 months ago was too intimidated to order Pizza over the phone... led me around Brazil as if I was a small child.

She booked our hotel rooms, ordered our meals in restaurants, haggled with the cab drivers, made the connections with trains and buses.. and told me what was culturally acceptable and what was not.

She read the newspaper to Andy and interpreted the Portuguese news broadcast for me. She introduced us to all her host families (there were 4 families in all) and patiently interpreted for hours at a time.

Rhea has bonded with her host country and it¹s people. She dresses like a Brazilian, cares passionately about Brazilian social issues... She speaks the Brazilian language.. and even dreams in it.

She eats Brazilian food (as long as it doesn¹t include meat .. not easy in Brazil if you are a vegetarian!). And she... well... parties like a Brazilian.

Yes, it is a deep and very real bond. A fact that I learned the hard way. Here I was, in Brazil... relishing in the glory of being with my daughter.

I¹m chatting away about how excited I am about her homecoming.. and, when I look at her face, I realize the thought of coming home... makes her sad. Truly sad.

She loves the friends she has made. And leaving them is not something she is excited about. At the same moment she worries about her friends in Canada. Will they still be her friends? Will they ever be able to understand her passion for Brazil? Will she still fit in??

I know it won¹t be easy for Rhea to come home. And a year from now... you will be facing the same emotions. If I can give you one piece of advice...it is this.. Talk to them.. ask them how you can help. Be it the homesickness for the first few months or the sadness they feel about coming home, ask them. Inside, they know what kind of support they need.

I asked Rhea... It was a simple question.. "what can I do to make your coming home easier?". She was very philosophical about it .

She said, "Just do more of the same Mom. Understand that I have grown-up and I have had a lot of freedom this past year. Understand that I will miss my Brazilian family.. Understand that I am a tiny bit afraid of coming home."

I guess that¹s pretty good advice.. so I will try.

Be proud of your children. You probably know they are special people to have made it this far..

A year from now you will be certain of it.